When Your Brain Won’t Update the Software: The Struggle of Identity Lag
Hello my beautiful Starlings,
Do you ever catch yourself thinking, 'That’s not me!' when you look in the mirror?
Or when you reflect on who you are, does your mind default to an old version of yourself, one where you were stronger, healthier, younger, more vibrant? Do you find yourself reminiscing about a time when you felt at your peak, only to crash back into the reality that things are no longer that way?
This, my spark of light, is a mental phenomenon where the mind clings to a past version of ourselves, even when reality has inconveniently moved on, and it has a name.
This phenomenon is called 'identity lag' or 'temporal self-discrepancy', where a person’s self-concept is stuck in a past version of themselves that no longer aligns with their present reality. The mind holds onto an idealised self-image from a peak moment in life, while reality has shifted due to ageing, injury, illness, or major life changes. This conflict between these two realities—who they were vs. who they are now—creates a deep sense of frustration, distress, resistance, and even self-rejection and grief.
Why Does Our Mind Hold On to the Past?
It happens when the self-image we carry no longer matches our present reality. Maybe life has shifted due to ageing, injury, illness, parenthood, or other major changes, yet our brain insists ‘This new version isn’t me’.
It can happen after any big shift, a career transition, a major life event, or even spiritual growth. We hold on to an identity that once defined us, while life gently (or not-so-gently) nudges us forward. And that gap between who we were and who we are now is where the discomfort seeps in.
The brain refuses to ‘let go' of who we were, causing emotional dissonance between past and present selves.
The human brain is a stubborn thing. It loves to create a self-image and then hold onto it like a toddler gripping their favourite toy. But life, as it does, keeps evolving. We age, we get injured, we go through major changes, and yet our brain often refuses to update the system. This creates what psychologists call ‘temporal self-discrepancy’, a fancy way of saying, "I still think I’m 25, but my injury disagrees and my wrinkles show otherwise.”
This gap between who we believe we are and who we currently are can cause a sense of loss and even a great sense of internal suffering. Whether it’s an athlete who can no longer perform at the same level, a new mother whose body has changed after childbirth, or someone who simply isn’t as youthful and energetic as they used to be, the emotional turmoil of identity lag is real.
Why Does It Hurt So Much? The Psychology Behind the Struggle
Psychologists have studied why 'identity lag' creates such deep emotional suffering, and here are a few key reasons:
Self-Discrepancy Theory (Higgins, 1987) says we feel distress when there’s a gap between: Who we are now (actual self), Who we used to be or want to be (ideal self), and Who we think we should be (ought self). When your ideal self is still 10 years younger and injury-free, but your actual self is dealing with new limitations, emotional pain arises.
Cognitive Dissonance happens when we hold two conflicting realities: —“I am youthful and fit" vs. "My body is not operating the way it should.”
Nostalgic Self-Identification keeps us mentally stuck when we attach happiness and worth to a past version of ourselves and believe we can only be fulfilled if we somehow return to that state.
The brain doesn’t know what to do with the contradiction, so it protests in the form of self-doubt, frustration, or even a mini existential crisis.
But what if… we stopped fighting? What if we embraced this now version of ourselves with the same love we give to who we used to be?
How to Update Your Mental Software (Without Crashing)
If you’ve been resisting your present reality, I have good news, my spark of light: you don’t have to be stuck in identity lag forever. I have good news.
Here’s how to shift out of the past make peace and and embrace the ever evolving, beautiful you:
Radical Acceptance - Get acquainted with NOW. Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach talks about ‘radical acceptance’, which is embracing reality as it is, without resistance. Instead of longing for who you were, start getting curious about who you are now.
Take a deep breath and repeat after me: "I am here, and this version of me is worthy of loving too.” Fighting reality is exhausting. Accepting where you means you stop suffering in resistance.
Cognitive Reframing - Rather than seeing yourself as ‘less than you were’, reframe it and ask yourself: What’s something I appreciate about myself today? How can I honour my body, mind, or life as it is now? What have you gained? Wisdom? Perspective? A newfound appreciation for xyz?
You’re not weaker—you’re adapting.
You haven’t lost beauty—you’re evolving into a new kind of radiance.
You’re not past your peak—you’re just in a different season of life.
There’s always something to celebrate and appreciate.
Embodiment Practices - The more you live in your body instead of in your memories, the easier it is to embrace change. Instead of chasing an old self-image, fully inhabit your body as it is now. Try Yoga, breathwork, and mindful movement and body awareness meditation, which can help you reconnect with the version of you that lives in the present moment.
Narrative Therapy - Rewrite Your Narrative - Who said your best self was ten years ago? What if this chapter of your life is where you truly shine? The story isn’t over—it’s evolving. So, if your identity is tied to a past version of yourself, it's time for an update. Instead of saying “I used to be so fit, but now I’m out of shape.”, try saying “I used to focus on physical strength, but now I focus on inner resilience.” Words shape reality. Choose a language that empowers you.
When you embody yourself as you are, you begin to feel at home in your own skin again. You’ve got this bright spark of light!
The Beauty Of Becoming
You are not who you were, and that’s OK. More than OK. The truth is, you’re still you, just a wiser, deeper, and more experienced version.
You are not a static being. You are a work of art in motion, ever-changing, ever-expanding. Clinging to an old self keeps you from fully embracing the magic of who you are now in all your shining glory, experiences and depths.
Celebrate who you are becoming. After all, this current version of you might just be your best one yet.
So, let’s update the software, shall we? Your present self is waiting for you.
You are not stuck, my love. You are ‘transforming’. And I am right here, walking this path with you. 💛
Keep shining your light.
With love and presence always,
Virginie
P.S. Need Support in Moving Through Identity Lag?
If identity lag is causing you stress, grief, or emotional discomfort, you don’t have to navigate it alone, my Starling. My 8-week healing program is designed to help you release the past and step into who you are now—free from trauma, self-judgment, or resistance to change.
My weekly meditation classes offer a gentle, heart-centred space to reconnect with yourself, finding peace and self-acceptance in the present moment.
Or just reach out for a FREE 15 minute call.
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